The Choices We Make
by Lockhart
Summary: As Abby reflects on her life, can one person stop her from making a decision she will live to regret?
1. Default Chapter

The Choices We Make  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the charcters, I just wish I did.  
  
This is a rather dark fic about love and the choices we make in life. It is told from  
  
Abby's POV. Feedback always welcome, so read on and enjoy !!  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I'm sorry, I am so sorry.  
  
I never meant for it to end like this, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. But can you really blame me for the decision I am about to make? I didn't mean to hurt you, I know I did and I'm sorry. But I swear from the bottom of my heart it wasn't intentional. People say the hardest thing in life is getting what you want, it's not though. The hardest obstacle in life is knowing what you want. I can't have what I want, that's why I'm doing this. I know you'll never understand my reasons, I'm not expecting you to either. I realise now that I can't make you love me. I was kidding myself to ever think I could. So I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. This is just the choice I decided to make.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
As I look into the mirror that hang above the bathroom sink, I don't recognise the relection anymore. My face is pale, my eyes look tired and puffy, my skin is red and blotchy. I hate the reflection. But most of all I hate myself. I don't know how I allowed my life to spiral into the mess it is now. I can't understand why I'm living in this constant unhappiness which is Abby Lockhart's life. It was never meant to be this way though, things weren't supposed to turn out the way they did. When I was a young child I had visions of me marrying my prince charming, having a wonderful job, raising two kids, spending time with all my womderful friends and family........ That's all they were though, childish dreams I once stupidly believed in. I was foolish to think I could ever be happy, who am I kidding? Luka was right all along, I'm not that pretty or that special. Luka was so wonderful to me, yet I was so cold and distant towards him. How can I possible expect soemone to love me when my heart is as cold as an icicle? My mother made my childhood a nightmare. The mood swings, the crying, the depression, the manical behaviour. Despite all that children should love their parents no matter what. So why do I despise Maggie? Why do I walk away when I know she needs my help? Perahps I was always meant to be a twisted person, perhaps that's just the way I'm meant to be.........  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I wrap my arms around my body and walk briskly towards the El. I love winter. Most people hate the cold season, so that must be why I love it. I always have to be different from everyone else. If black is in season, I'll wear red, it's the kind of person I am.  
  
"You're such a twisted bitch Abby"  
  
I laugh now when I remember Richard's cruel words to me during one of the reguar arguments in our short marriage. At the time I felt like crying my heart out when he called me that, now I chuckle when I repeat his words inside my head. I knew we weren't meant to be for each other, but I simply didn't want to be alone. He offered me companionship, security, stability, but there was no love. Oh sure there was lust, but I think deep down we both knew we couldn't love one another. Soon that lust turned to scorn and hatred, and we found ourselves constantly arguing and fighting. An unhappy chapter in my life, one of many........  
  
~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Perhaps the one thing I regret most about my life is the abortion. At the time I knew I wasn't ready to look after a child. Richard and I were constantly bickering whilst living in a small, cramped flat, there was hardly any money left after paying his tuition fees, the bills etc What kind of atmosphere was that to bring up a baby in? But every day I wonder what it would have been like if I had kept the baby. My little son or daughter would have been six now, gawd, six years old. Time sure passes by quickly. I even wonder what I would have called the kid, Joshua or Connor, Jennifer or Natalie? So many choices. The guilt of killing my baby still eats away at me at times. That was the reason why I turned to alcohol, I stupidly thought drink could block the pain and guilt. Stupid me though. Many a night I have lain awake wishing I could turn back the time, but I can't. In my dreams I'm there holding little Josh. So maybe that's why I'm about to do what I've planned in doing over the past few months. What I've contemplated about a hundred million times before but have never actually had the nerve to go through with it. But there's one thing I have to do first, one thing that might change my mind............  
  
Author's Notes: Okay it's weird, it's much different to my usual style of writing. So what is it Abby is planning? What might change her mind? And what other thoughts are running through her mind? Feedback always welcome!! 


	2. The Choices We Make Chapter 2

The Choices We Make  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter 1, your feedback was very  
  
encouraging, thanks!!  
  
Hope you all enjoy chapter 2!!  
  
  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I know nobody will understand my reasons, but it doesn't matter anymore. This was my choice to make so I made it. You had a choice too, you could have said yes but instead you replied no. It hurt. It really, really hurt. I'm not doing this though to hurt you, it's because I have no other options. I can't carry on like this anymore, I can't and I don't wish to. This is the only way out, my one and only escape route.  
  
What's the point in carrying on? There is no point. I was foolish to think I could make you love me, but that's me though, never thinking straight. For once in my life I let my heart rule my head, I won't make that same mistake again. I can't simply stand back and let you go, it's far too difficult. So I'm doing this to end my pain, to end my heartache. I'm sorry if I hurt you. It was never meant to be like this. I'm sorry. Sorry.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I walked quickly across the road, gaining speed with every step I took. The heavy rain soaked her short hair but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was reach my destination, all I wished to do was see him. I hopped over a small puddle and landed gracely on the hard pavement. Running a hand through my soaked hair, I pushed open the large door and entered Doc Magoos. Randi told me came here about twenty minutes ago, I prayed he was still here. I desperately needed to find him, he was the only one who stood a chance of stopping me make perhaps the greatest mistake of my life. He was the only one who could rescue me now. I step inside the warm restaurant and scan the room for him. Damn, I can't find him, where is he?  
  
"Abby" a familiar and welcoming male voice calls my name loudly.  
  
"John" I smile in relief and walk towards the corner booth he was sitting at.  
  
"Sit down" he motions for me to join him. "You want a coffee or something?"  
  
"No thanks" I shake my head as I study the male doctor carefully. The tiny strands of his dark hair glitter from the bright lights on the pristine white ceiling. His tiny eyes seemed to sparkle as he slowly sips the scalding hot coffee from the mug he holds tightly in his hands. I am fascinated by his beauty and elegance, I could sit and admire him all day from behind the admit desk at the hospital. I'm not some lovesick teenager with a silly crush or anything, I think for the first time I truly feel love for someone. I think I love him.  
  
"You okay Abby?" he asks worringly.  
  
"I'm fine" I reply nervously as I finally sit down on the hard seat beside him.  
  
"You working tonight?"  
  
"No, not on until tomorrow morning" I smile at him and lick my lips, wondering what I should say next. I knew I had to tell him, I had wanted to do so for so long. I didn't knew if I would be able to hide it for much longer, he deserved to know, he should know. I had to tell him, I had to. As I turn to face him my heart jumps in excitment and anticipation. This was it, it was now or never. "John......."  
  
"What?" he asks, looking up at me with his glimmering chocolate brown eyes.  
  
"There's........there's something I have to tell you" she spoke calmly and sincerely.  
  
"You can tell me anything Abby, that's what friends are for"  
  
Friends? I don't want you as a friend though John, I want more.  
  
"Well you see that's the problem" I stammered, trying to find the right words to say. This was going to be a lot harder than I first imagined. "I........I think I love you" Damn, I'd said it. There was definately no turning back now.  
  
"No you don't" John chuckled bitterly as he quickly sipped the last few remaining drops of coffee in the white cup.  
  
No I don't. What's that supposed to mean? I come here and pour out my heart to you and all you can do is laugh?  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" I inquire fiercely.  
  
"You may think you love me Abby but you don't really" he answers my question, shattering my heart into a thousand and one tiny pieces in the process.  
  
"But.....but I do" I protest, trying in vain to show him the truth. "Why is so hard for you to believe me?"  
  
"The truth is Abby, you only think you love me because you don't have Luka anymore. Remember that day by the lakeside, the day I told you how I felt. You didn't tell me you loved me then, no, you went back to Luka that evening. Do you have any idea how much that hurt? I tell you I love you then you go home to another man."  
  
"I was confused back then, I didn't know what I wanted"  
  
"You still don't Abby. You don't know who you want to be with. You didn't love me enough when you decided to choose Luka instead of me and you still don't love me enough. You didn't fight for me, you didn't express your feelings when it mattered the most. I was there for you as a substitute for Luka, admit it"  
  
"That's not true!" I growl between my teeth in anger. "I did love you back then, I just never admitted it to myself. I didn't want to hurt Luka, but I knew I didn't love him. And do you wish to know why? It was because I loved you, you, John Carter"  
  
"It's too late though Abby, too much water has passed under the bridge now. The truth is I wouldn't know how to love you anymore. I gave you my heart once and you broke it"  
  
"I didn't mean to hurt you John" I try my best to hold back the tears which are currently sliding down my cheeks, soaking the collar of my jacket.  
  
"It doesn't matter anymore" John shakes his head sadly. "I love Susan"  
  
Susan. Susan bloody Lewis. I despise that name now. I can't believe everything John has just said to me. He doesn't love me, he can't love me. I hurt him and now I'm paying the price. It's too late now, too late for us, and now too late for me. In a fit of tears I jump out of my seat and run as fast as I can out of the restaurant. I stop on the spot and allow the tears to flow down my face. He had rejected me, and it hurt so much. A feeling that couldn't even be translated into words. As the heavy rain pounded off my back, shoulders and head I trudged slowly through the empty streets. As I kicked an empty glass bottle that stood in my path, I suddenly realised that my life was so empty now. He hadn't been able to save me, nobody could save me now. There was only one real solution, and it had to be done. I had no other choice, this was the only way out.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I always believed that love was this wonderful feeling that everyone deserved to experience at least once in their life. But it's not, believe me, it's not. Love hurts, it's as simple as that. The hardest thing in my life was trying to work out what I wanted. A normal childhood, a sane mother, Richard, children, working as a doctor, working as a nurse, Luka...........the list is endless. I've finally came to the realisation that I want Carter, but I can't have him. He doesn't want me, how could I have been so stupid to ever think he would want me in the first place? C'mon this is me we're talking about, me, Abby Lockhart. I now know I can't make you love me John, I can't make you feel something you don't. But I can't simply stand back and watch you live your life with her. This is why I'm doing this, not to hurt you but to stop myself getting hurt. I can't take anymore heartache and pain, I need an escape from it all. What's the point in carrying on when I have nothing, when my life has become so empty? This is the consequence of loving someone too much. This is what happens when your heart won't allow you to move on or love anyone else. I'm doing this because you'll never love me, at least not in that way I would want you to. So as I sit here in the darkness of my flat clutching a large glass of vodka in one hand and a handful of pills in another, I want to apologise. I'm sorry, I am so sorry...........  
  
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Want me to continue? What will happen next? Any ideas for this story or any other fanfics you'd like to see written? Let me know!!! 


	3. The Choices We Make Chapter 3

The Choices We Make  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Discliamer: I don't own ER or any of the charcters.  
  
Okay first of all I'm very sorry chapter 3 took so long. By accident I put chapter 2 up as a  
  
seperate story which violated one of the site's rules, so I wasn't allowed to post anything  
  
else for about a week so that is why chapter 3 is so late, I apologise again. As a result  
  
chapter 2 was taken off the site so all your reviews were deleted, but I managed to read  
  
them so a very, very big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, thanks for  
  
encouraging feedback!! So enjoy chapter 3!!  
  
  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
It doesn't matter how many times I apologise to you, it doesn't change the past. It doesn't change what I have just done. I can't wave a magic wand and correct all the mistakes I have made, gawd, I would be there all day if I could. Mistakes hurt, they cause a great deal of pain. That is why I did this, to stop myself making any more mistakes. Most of all though, it was to stop the pain. This has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. I know it was wrong, but I can't take the pain anymore. If I can't have the one person I truly love in this cruel world, then there is no point in me being here anymore. I had to stop the pain, I had to do this, I had to. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but please don't mourn for me, I'm not worth the pity. This isn't as tragic as you will all think. It's simply about a young woman and the choices she made in life, that's all. It's as simple as that.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
'I'm sorry'  
  
Two simple, easy words. Anyone can say it, anyone at all. "I'm sorry" See, it's that easy. He whispers those two words to me every single day. Most people don't mean what they say but I believe him, I believe he is sorry. Every day after his shift at work he visits me for about an hour or so. Sits by my bedside and speaks about his day at work, the strange patients he encountered, sport, weather, the news....... And then every day before he leaves he reaches over and kisses me gently on the lips, whispering he is sorry. I don't want him to feel guilty about my suicide attempt, it is not in the slightest way his fault. I made the decision to swallow that handful of pills, not him. Today though was different, he stayed longer than he usually did. He held my hand as he spoke about his day, he stroked my hair as he apologised for the upteenth time. But just as he left I heard him whisper the words I had always wished to hear. 'I love you Abby' All I wanted to do at that moment was open my eyes and tell him how I feel. I couldn't though, and I then remember why I couldn't. I had tried to kill myself because he didn't return my love, because the pain of his rejection became too much to bear with. So why has he changed his mind now, why does he suddenly love me? Has he always, or is just the guilt eating up inside of him? I don't want him to love me out of pity or guilt, I want him to love me for the person I am, Abby Lockhart. I thought killing myself would end all my problems, yet it just seems to have brought about a whole new flock.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I suppose this proves how useless I really am, can't even kill myself right. I don't know how long it has been since my suicide attempt, approaching a week I think. All I know is that it's been too long, far too long. Lying here in the ICU gives a person way too much time to think. I've been going over and over my life again and again, trying to work out where I went wrong, how I ended up in this bed. I've been trying to think back to a time when I was happy in life, when I actually smiled and felt joy. The only time I could think of was any time I was around John. I heard the desperation in his voice as he worked feverishly to try and save my life when I was brought into the ER, I heard the fear in his voice when Kerry said I could die. Does that mean he loves me? In a way I'm glad I didn't die, I don't think I ever really wished to die. It scared me lying on that gurney in the ER whilst my collegues tried to save me, it made me realise I did want to live. But where do I go from here? How exactly do I get my life back on track? It's too hard, I can't pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I know this is just another crossroad in my life but for the first time I don't know where to turn. I don't know how to live my life anymore, I feel suffocated, I want out again. I've came this far because I finally realised what I wanted, someone I couldn't have. What exactly am I supposed to do now?  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
So here I am again, afraid and confused. I wish I had a big book that could tell me the answers to all my problems, I would be referring to that book everyday. I know I sound like some silly kid that hasn't got her own way in life but I really am desperate. I don't want to die, I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask? I know suicide was a mistake, I know it will have caused others pain but we learn from our mistakes. I've learned that no matter where I run I can't hide from the fact that I love him, you can't just switch off feelings deep inside your heart. The hardest thing for anyone is to live in this world, to have a purpose for living, a sense of belonging. I only wish I could work that out. But as my eyes flutter open slowly, all I can make out from my blurred vision is a tall, dark figure leaning over my bed..............  
  
Author's Notes: A different kind of chapter I think, a lot of Abby's thoughts a she lies in the ICU. So who do you think is beside her? Feedback very welcome, tell me if you want another chapter or not folks!!!!! 


	4. The Choices We Make Chapter 4

The Choices We Make  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the charcters.  
  
Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, the feedback is most encouraging,  
  
so a very big thank you!! So enjoy chapter 4!!  
  
  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
My eyes blink rapidly as strong sunlight streaming in from the large window to my right pours in, hitting my motionless body. Wonderful, warm, bright sunshine, I'm being sarcastic incase you can't tell. Objects start to come into focus as the blurriness of my vision starts to fade and I begin to see much more clearer. That's when I see him. He simply stands there watching me, his tall, dark figure casting a shadow over my frail, thin body. He watches me before finally opening his mouth to speak.  
  
"Hello Abby" the thick, Croatian accent can be heard loudly and clearly.  
  
I continue to watch him as he takes a seat beside my bed. I close my eyes and wish that when I open them it's not Luka sitting beside me but John instead. Then when I open them again and still see Luka, I feel guilty and realise what a horrible person I am. But why is he here? He hasn't came to visit me before, most of my collegues down in the ER have but not Luka, not until now. His small, dark eyes never leave me all the time he sits beside me. He holds my hand and takes my long, slender fingers in his, stroking them gently and lovingly, the way he used to when we were a couple. I watch him carefully for a couple more minutes before closing my eyes and drifting back off into a long, deep sleep. But as I drift off I hear him whisper the words I dreaded he would say.  
  
"I still love you Abby"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I walk briskly through the ER, noting the amount of people I can hear whispering behind my back. People don't seem to know how to approach my anymore. Whether to act normal as if nothing has happened or apologise for the fact that I tried to kill myself. I feel like telling them to mind their own business, in a less polite way of course. I don't need their pity, what actually makes them think I want it? I'm past the stage of caring what the doctors and nurses in this hospital think of me, I only cared about one man's feelings towards me, and he made it very clear how he felt. Running s hand through my tangled hair I remind myself I have an appointment at the hairdressers in about an hour's time. Anything to keep my mind occupied, anything to stop myself thinking about him.  
  
"Abby" I recognise the voice. The Croatian accent simply gives it away.  
  
"Hi Luka" I smile politely as I turn around to face him. He towers over my small figure as he adjusts the position of his stethoscope until it sits comfortably around his shoulders. Tiny strands of his dark hair fall onto his face, reminding me of just how attractive the male doctor was.  
  
"You back at work already?" he asks, nervously twitching his fingers as he grips the chart in his hands tightly. He's obviously nervous around me now after my suicide attempt, just like nearly everyone in this hospital now.  
  
"No" I shake my head and lick my lips. "Came in to talk to Weaver" I decide not to go into futher details with him. "Start back next Tuesday"  
  
"Good, good" he nods approvingly and flashes me a genuine smile. "It will be good to see you back"  
  
I continue to smile politely as he talks, putting up a big act like I always did. Pretending everything was okay when it really wasn't, smiling nicely when I know I don't want to smile.......  
  
"Well I better go, hairdressers appointment"  
  
"Look Abby, I know..........." he begings to speak before I interrupt sharply.  
  
"Luka you don't know. I don't want your sympathy or pity, and I definately don't want to talk about it. I know I tried to kill myself, I know it was a stupid thing to do but please, lets just leave it at that, okay?"  
  
"I know I don't have the slightest clue what you are feeling right now or why you did what you did, but I just want you to know I'll always be here for you" he speaks sincerely. "Even though we're not together anymore, I do still care about you. A lot. A lot more than you realise"  
  
I nod at his kind words realising exactly what he meant when he says he cared about me. He loved me and still does. But I knew I couldn't return that love, I probably never would. Once again I feel like such a horrible person.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I wrap my arms around my body and step outside. The bitter wind hits my face as I bring my scarf closer to my neck. I glance up at the dark skies above me and notice the tiny snowflakes falling gracefully down to the ground. I love the snow, it's such a beautiful sight. I remember when I was a kid how much I used to love having snowball fights with my brother Eric. He would always win and my hair would end up soaking wet as a consequence of being hit so many times, but I didn't care. I didn't care because I enjoyed it. Whenever I wake up to a carpet of white outside, it always reminds me of the fun I had with Eric, one of the few good memories of my childhood, of my life.  
  
"Pretty isn't it?" a voice from nowhere asks.  
  
I turn around to see John sitting on an empty bench smoking. He smiles at me and motions for me to sit beside him.  
  
"Cigarette?" he asks as he reaches inside his pocket for the packet and a lighter.  
  
"Thanks, I need one" I grin and laugh, taking a cigarette from the packet he is holding out in his hand.  
  
"Rough day?" he asks, placing the ligher back into the pocket of his clean, white lab coat.  
  
"Yeh" I nod, realsing he has just asked me the most stupidest question ever. Rough day? Huh, more like a rough life.  
  
"So........." he smiles nervously, not knowing what to say or do next. "How are you?"  
  
"Oh everything is just great Carter, great" I reply sarcastically. "I tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago but I'm just fine"  
  
"Oh, sorry" he mumbles, looking sheepishly down to the snow covered grounds.  
  
"No, I should be the one apologising" I realise how cruel my last comment was. It wasn't John's fault, I shouldn't take my anger and frustration out on the people closest to me. Which was something I always seemed to do.  
  
"Why Abby?" he suddenly asks me. "Why did you try and kill yourself?"  
  
I sigh and scratch my head. What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to answer a question like that? I tried to kill myself because I couldn't cope without one man's love, without your love John. Is that what you want to know, what you wish to hear?  
  
"Abby?"  
  
"It's complicated John, but I had my reasons. I don't really want to discuss the matter, okay?"  
  
"No it's not okay" he raises his voice slightly whilst looking at me rather seriously. "You never want to discuss your problems, you try and run away from them hoping they will solve themselves in due time. You can't always hide Abby, I'm offering you my help"  
  
"I just don't want to talk, it doesn't mean I'm running away or hiding from the fact I tried to kill myself" I feel myself growing agitated and frustrated.  
  
"What's happened to you?" he asks softly, gently shaking his head as he speaks. "You used to be so full of life, so energetic, bright, enthusiastic. You've changed so much over the past couple of months or so. I don't seem to know you anymore"  
  
"I haven't changed" I lie, knowing that deep inside I don't feel the same way I used to. It was true I had changed so much. I had become spiteful and twisted, a horrible shadow of my former self.  
  
"What happened to us?" I dread his next question, knowing where this conversation would eventually lead to. "We used to be so close, now we never seem to talk anymore"  
  
"I don't know John, you tell me"  
  
"I'm sorry if I hurt you Abby" he throws the cigarette in his hand down to the ground and rests his elbows on his knees. "I didn't realise I hurt you so much"  
  
I stare at him for a couple of seconds before jumping up quickly from the hard, cold bench. "You didn't hurt me" I reassure him with a wave of my hand and a light chuckle. "You might think I attempted suicide because you rejected me but I didn't. Like I said John it's complicated, very complicated"  
  
"Abby......" he tries to interrupt me as I begin to walk away.  
  
"Got to go, hairdressers appointment. Bye" With those last words I walk briskly away from the man who broke my heart, but I'm sure I heard him whisper the words he did by my bedside.  
  
"I'm sorry"  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
As I sit alone in the darkness of my sitting room I wonder how I'm supposed to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. Luka loves me, but I know no matter how hard I try I could never truly love him with all my heart and soul. Not like the way I could love John. I can't understand Carter at all. He rejected me that night in Doc Magoo's, but when I lay in hospital he whispered he loved me. Why? Why now does he decide to tell me this information. I'm confused, tired and scared. Scared of what the future might hold for me. My hands are shaking and my knees are trembling as I reach over the small coffee table for the small brown bag sitting in the middle. As I reach inside and produce a large bottle of vodka I think back to the snowball fights I used to have with Eric. Drink will numb the pain, drink might just help me.  
  
  
  
Authors Notes: So what's going to happen now that Abby has turned back to drink? What about the Luka/ Abby/ Carter triangle? If you want another chapter please say, feedback of course is very welcome!! 


	5. The Choices We Make Chapter 5

The Choices We Make  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Discalimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.  
  
Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, you're all so kind. So enjoy  
  
chapter 5 folks!!  
  
  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I force my eyes open and stare blankly at the plain, white ceiling above me. I notice a black stain near the window, it's been there for almost a month now. I'm so lazy though I haven't done anything about it. That is my main problem, I am lazy. I'm not the sort of person who goes out into the world and makes things happen for myself, I sit and wait. Waiting gets you nowhere, once you've realised what you want you should go achieve that goal immediately. Don't do what I do, don't sit and wait. I realised for a long time I wanted John, but I didn't do anything. Then when I finally did speak up it was too late, far too late. I've never been impulsive, never made quick decisions on the spot. I suppose that's what put me off going back to medical school, a docotor has to make fast decisions there and then. I don't think I have what it takes to be a good doctor though. When I watch Luka or John in trauma, I realise I don't have their qualities. I swing my legs over the side of my bed as a strong wave of dizziness passes over me. My head feels as though it is about to explode, the vodka was a big mistake last night. A very big mistake. I rub the temple of my forehead irritably and collpase back onto the large, comfy bed. A hangover would make a wonderful impression on my first day back at work, I'm sure Weaver will be very impressed. All I want to do is get my life back on track, it's all I've ever wanted to do. That and to find some happiness. I hate lonliness, in fact I detest it. I'm determined to change, I have to become a better person. Maybe that way he'll take notice of me, maybe.......  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I yawn quietly and sit the chart on the desk in front of me. Rubbing my weary eyes, I collapse onto a nearby chair. It was sure going to be one long day.  
  
"Hello stranger" a female voice echoes clearly behind me. "Haven't seen you in a while"  
  
I turn around to come face to face with her. The woman who I couldn't help but dislike. Her, Susan Lewis. I don't hate Susan, hate is too strong a word. She hasn't actually done anything terribly wrong to me, in fact she has been quite pleasant and kind towards me. But she has him, and that is why I can't ever like her. John loves Susan instead of me. I know that it isn't her fault and it is a silly reason for holding a grudge against the woman but I can't help but wish she had never came back to County. Life could have been a lot different for me if she had decided not to return.  
  
"Coffee?" she extends a mug of freshly made coffee to me. See what I mean, she's so kind towards me which makes me feel terrible for hating the woman. I loathe myself at times, I really do.  
  
"Thanks" I smile and clutch the mug tightly between my hands, breathing in the wonderful aroma of freshly made coffee.  
  
"Busy first day?" she inquires, signing off on a chart she is holding.  
  
"Yeh, school bus crash a couple of hours ago" I reply, sipping the warm drink slowly.  
  
"And how are you?"  
  
I sigh at the question nearly every single person in the hospital has asked me over the course of the day. Why do people have to ask the stupidest bloody questions? Oh yes I'm fine, that's why I tried to kill myself nearly two months ago. I swear I'll strangle the next person who asks me that.........  
  
"No disrespect to you Susan, but I'm tired of people asking me that same question over and over again. I don't mean to be rude but I don't want to talk about it, please understand that" What a bitch I am. Here I go again, snapping at the people who want to help me. But with Susan it's more than her asking a stupid question, I'm letting out all my frustration and annoyance at her for having the one man I love. The one man I truly love.  
  
"Okay" she nods quietly. "I'm here though if you do ever wish to talk. I know we're not exactly the best of friends Abby but John speaks very highly of you. At some point I'd like to get to know you better"  
  
"Sure, maybe some point in time" I force a smile as I watch her walk away towards one of the exam rooms. Maybe at some point, maybe..................  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I glance up as I hear the trauma doors push open, smiling to myself as I see that it is him entering the room.  
  
"What's the bullet?" John asks me as he reaches inside the pocket of his lab coat for a pair of latex gloves.  
  
"22 year old woman, suspected overdose" I explain quickly, noticing the change in his facial expression when I utter the word overdose. "BP 70/30, pulse 50"  
  
He nods quietly and I watch him as he stares sadly down at the woman lying on the gurney before us. I can sense this brings back memories of him working to save me when I took that handful of pills. The whole case brings back painful memories for me too, I realise that that was me lying there a few months back. The tests Carter is calling out at this moment were the tests carried out on me, the drugs we are giving the woman were the drugs given to help me. It's all too familiar.  
  
"Lets get a tox screen, Chem20 and pump her stomach, I'll intubate" John orders as I see the hurt and pain in his hazel eyes. I begin to realise how my decision to kill myself didn't just affect me, it hurt the people around me too. Especially John. As I hook the patient up to an IV of saline, I feel guilty for causing him so much pain, for hurting the one man I never wished to hurt. At that moment the consequences of my actions finally began to sink in.  
  
"Another round of atrophine and dopamine, 5mg of charcoal and 5cc's bolus every two minutes" he continues to take charge of the unpleasant situation. That's what I admire about John the most, his ability to stay calm in stressful situations. I couldn't do that, it's another one of the many reasons why I decided not to return to med-school.  
  
"Lost the pulse!" Chuny screams at the top of her voice as the monitors around us start bleeping wildly.  
  
"Start chest compressions" John replies before looking straight at me. "Abby pass me the paddles"  
  
I look straight back at him before returning my attention back to the patient. As I stare down at this young woman, I can only see myself lying on the gurney. I realise what was going through the woman's mind before she took the overdose, I can remember the pain clearly. I didn't really want to die that night, but what does this patient want? Would she wish us to help her or does she really want to die? Perhaps she wants an escape from the pain and misery of her life, perhaps she wants to escape this cruel world. If we manage to re-start her heart, are we simply causing her more pain? What if death is the only way to end her misery? I raise my head slowly to meet John's anxious stare as I try to think what to do for the best.  
  
"Abby the paddles!" he shouts at me as I nod and pass him the desired equipment. I sigh deeply as a steady rhythm of bleeps can be heard on the monitor. I know that this is just the beginning of a very long jouney for the young patient. A very long journey indeed.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
My eyes flutter open as I feel a sharp pain in my neck. Slightly disorienated Islowly realise I have been sleeping on the couch of the hospital lounge. Rubbing my neck I sat upright and leaned my head against a large yet uncomfortable pillow. That's when I realised he was watching me.  
  
"Hello sleeping beauty" his thick Croatian accent breaks the silence in the room.  
  
"Luka" I manage to say through a wave of shock and surprise. "How long have I been asleep for?"  
  
"Well I came in about fifteen minutes ago" he answers my question with a pleasant smile. "You look so peaceful when you are sleeping" he chuckles lightly.  
  
"You were watching me?" I feel a mixture of anger and relief. Angry that someone has seen me in such a vunerable state, yet relieved he was there watching over me, protecting me.  
  
"I used to do when we were together" he continues to speak. "There was many a night when I couldn't sleep, so I used to watch you instead. You look so beautiful in your deep slumber, so innocent and sweet"  
  
I smile at his last comment, it had been a long time since anyone had called me beautiful. The only timesI could escape from the problems and fears that plagued my life were when I was fast asleep. I always dream I am in a far away land, where I am happy and content. Then when I wake up I realise it's just a dream, and once again I feel depressed and unhappy. If only my dreams could come true.  
  
"I wish you would talk to me Abby" he looks at me with a touch of sadness in his dark eyes. "I wish you would tell me what's on your mind, I'm really worried about you"  
  
"There's no need to worry" I reply with a reassuring wave of my hand. "I'll be fine, you have to believe me when I say that"  
  
"I meant what I said before"  
  
"What?" I ask, fully knowing what Luka is talking about.  
  
"That I care about you" he answers, reaching over and taking hold of my hand. "I want to look after you Abby, it hurts me to see you in this state"  
  
"I'm not in a state Luka" I reply sharply, pulling my hand away from his tight grip. "I appreciate your concern but I don't need looking after, I'm an adult, not a child"  
  
"I never said you were a child. I just want to see you happy again, I want to make you smile and laugh like you used to. Remember the day at the iec- rink?"  
  
I run a hand through my tangled hair and laugh as I clearly remember the day I took Luka ice-skating. He had never been before, and as a result, he fell about a thousand and one times. By the end of the day I had lost count of how many times he did fall.  
  
"That was a good day" I smile, reflecting on the happy memory. "I certainly enjoyed myself watching you fall"  
  
"We were good together, weren't we?" he asks as suddenly the room is filled with an ackward silence. I bite my upper lip and pause for a minute to think about how I should answer this question.  
  
'We were good together, weren't we?'  
  
'We were good together, weren't we?'  
  
I suppose we were, but.........  
  
"Abby" the door flies open and Haleh walks in. "Your mother is here"  
  
Oh great............  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Author's Notes: So why is Maggie back? Will Abby reconcile with Luka? How will Carter react? tell me if you want another chapter, and as ever, feedback is most welcome!! 


	6. The Choices We Make Chapter 6

The Choices We Make  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the charcters.  
  
Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, thanks for the positive feedback!!  
  
So enjoy chapter 6!!  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Nice little restuarant this, isn' it?" Maggie smiles contently as she glances around Doc Magoo's from her seat. "Must do a great trade"  
  
"Maggie, I'm sure you didn't come all the way to Chicage to talk about a restaurant" I speak sharply as she refuses to meet my stare. "Why did you come here?"  
  
"I came to see you" she replies, sipping her ice tea.  
  
"Why?" I ask again, resting my chin in the palm of my hands.  
  
"Because your my daughter Abby!" she shouts, attracting the attention of every single person in the restaurant.  
  
"Thanks Maggie, make a show of me like you always do" I hiss angrily as I stand up to leave.  
  
"Wait Abby, wait!" she grabs my arm, pleading with me to stay. "Please sit down, don't walk out, I'm sorry"  
  
"How many times have I heard you say that before" I sigh and slowly sit back down. "You're not really sorry"  
  
"Abby why are you acting like this?" she asks desperately.  
  
"I'm just trying to make you see things from my point of view for a change" I reply angrily as I fold my arms across my chest. "I want to make you realise how I feel"  
  
"Was that why you tried to kill yourself?" she asks nervously. By the sound of her voice and her trembling smile, I know she's dreading my answer to her question.  
  
"It was a whole combination of things" I answer, rubbing my tired and weary eyes.  
  
"What things?" she asks quietly, tears forming at the corners of her small eyes as she speaks.  
  
"It doesn't matter" I shake my head and sigh loudly. And my words were true, it didn't matter. What was the point in explaining how I felt? She wouldn't understand, she never did understand. She never acted like a mother should when I was a child, why should she suddenly care about my well-being now?  
  
"It does matter Abby" she speaks softly. "Your my daughter"  
  
I close my eyes tightly for a second before forcing them open again, forcing myself to look at the tearful expression on her face. "But we're not really a family, are we?" I try to make her see the truth.  
  
"I know I've never been the best mother..........."  
  
"You can say that again" I interrupt sharply, knowing that she would now give me all the tired excuses she usually did for my terrible childhood. I've lost count of how many times we've had this same conversation, too many times.  
  
"I wish I could turn back the time and change things for the better, but I can't Abby, I can't. I just want to make things better between us, to be able to have some sort of normal relationship with my daughter. Despite everything I have done in the past I do care about you, there's a lot of people that care about you. I wish you would see that, maybe then you wouldn't have thought about suicide"  
  
"It's easy for you to say all this when you are taking your medication, but what will happen when you decide to stop? What will happen next time you decide to run away, have another violent outburst, or........"  
  
"Or try to kill myself?" she finishes off my sentence for me in a quiet, sad tone, the tone she always speaks in when seeking sympathy from me.  
  
I lean back in the uncomfortable chair and look away, her words echoing through my mind. Or try to kill myself. It was there and then that I saw how alike we really were. As I force myself to look at the woman sitting across from me, I saw a reflection of myself in her. And I didn't like that reflection one little bit.  
  
"We've all made mistakes Abby, even you" she continues to speak as I try in vain to hold back the tears forming in my eyes. "I just want to help you" she reaches over and strokes my cheek gently in a motherly fashion. "I know what it's like when you feel as though the whole world is against you. When you feel as though there is no hope left, that suicide is the only option left available to you. I know because I too have been there. That's why I came here, to help you, my daughter"  
  
I angrily shake her hand away from my cheek and grit my teeth in an unsuccessful bid to control my anger. "So after the thirty odd years of misery and pain you've caused me, you really think you can just come waltzing back into my life and pretend everything is fine?" I growl angrily, clenching my fists tightly in complete and utter frustration. "Too much water has passed under the bridge for us to ever start afresh again"  
  
"That's not true......." she begins to answer me before I interrupt her yet again.  
  
"No that is true. What about the time you started screaming at me in the audience of my school Christmas play, when I was playing Mary and you made a complete shoe of me in front of my teachers and friends? Or the time you started hitting dad in the department store? What about the time you chased me around the house with a four inch butcher knife, or the time you ran away for three days leaving me and Eric in the house by ourselves? Then there were the times I had to sit in the hospital waiting to hear from the doctors if my mother had successfully killed herself, or the times you stopped taking your medication and went crazy? The worrying that you put me through every time you ran away, every time you stopped taking your meds, every time you were hospitalised. Do you understand now why we can never start again Maggie?"  
  
She looks at me sadly before opening her mouth to speak again. "Why do you never call me mom?" she asks me in between her fits of continual sobbing. "It's always Maggie, never mom"  
  
"Like I said" I begin to answer her as I stand up and turn around to leave. "We're not really a family" With those last words I walked briskly out of the restaurant and out of my mother's life, never looking back. Not even once.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The icy rain battered down upon my soaken, frozen body. I wrap my arms around myself as I take a seat on a dirty bench beside the lake, shivering from the bitter cold. This was where I used to sit during my lunch break, where I used to sit eating my lunch reflecting on the day. That was when the days of my life used to be good, when I used to be happy. What exactly had I to be happy about now? No boyfriend, no children, no mother, a dead end job and a small, cramped flat. No love, no warmth, just bitterness and resentment. I wipe the tears sliding down my pale cheeks away with my cold hands, tears of guilt. I had pushed her away again, my own mother, someone else who only wished to help me. Why do I always refuse others help? Why do I always have to do things by myself, pushing the people closest to me away in the process? Then I remember why, because others let you down. I reach into the pocket of my jacket and produce my mobile phone, thinking carefully whether I should call John, whether I should ask for his help. But then I remembered the one person who would never let me down, the one perosn who always loved me. Throwing my mobile into my leather handbag I headed towards the platfroms of the El. Where I was going I already knew, why I was going though I don't have the slightest clue. But I need to go, I need to be loved.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I raise my hand and knock on the door three times. I stand there for a minute waiting patiently for an answer. "Please answer" I mutter quietly under my breath as I knock again, this time louder.  
  
"Just coming" I sigh in relief as I hear the Craotian accent from inside the appartment. "Abby" he looks surprised as he opens the door wide.  
  
"Hello Luka" I smile half-heartilly, as I stand there shivering, my whole body soaked through and through from the heavy rain.  
  
"Abby look at you, you look a fright" he sounds concerned as he ushers me inside. "Sit down while I fetch you a towel"  
  
I sit in the comfort of a large armchair as I look around the appartment, taking in all the familiar sights, taking notice of a new painting hanging above the fireplace.  
  
"Here, I found you an old jumper of mine" Luka enters the sitting room and hands me a large, black jumper. "I know it's a bit big but you can't stay in those wet clothes, you'll catch pneumonia"  
  
"Thank you" I smile, remembering how caring he can be. I dry myself off in the bathroom and change quickly, returning through to the sitting room to find a bowl of soup and a mug of coffee awaiting me.  
  
"Just something to warm you up" he tries to shrug off his thoughtful gesture as though it were no big deal. "If there is anything else you need just ask"  
  
"Lentil soup, me favorite" I grin as I sit down to eat. "Can't believe you still remember"  
  
"Of course I remember" he answers. "I remember everything about our time together. I loved you, more than you knew"  
  
I look away, feeling guilty that he had given me his entire heart and I hadn't once given him a tiny piece of mine. That was me though, selfish and unthoughtful.  
  
"Why did you come here Abby?" he asks as I push away the bowl of soup, suddenly losing my appetite. Instead I pick up the mug of coffee and take a quick gulp of the drink, it's scalding temperature burning my tongue ever so slightly.  
  
"I don't know" I answer honestly as I place the mug down on the table with a quiet thud. "I just felt I had to come here"  
  
"Did you have another argument with Maggie?"  
  
"Sort of. I hurt her tonight, I really did hurt her"  
  
"You are too kind to hurt people Abby" his soft words touch my heart.  
  
"I'm not kind or pleasant Luka" I shake my head in disagreement. "Perhaps I used to be but........but not anymore" And that was the truth, I didn't seem to know myself anymore. I had changed into a completely different person. I was still Abby Lockhart, yet I didn't feel like Abby Lockhart. At some point in my life I had lost control over my destiny. I'm not quite sure when or how but at some point I had lost my power. And now as every day passes by, all I can do is sit and watch my life turn into a downward spiral. I don't have the energy to fight anymore, I don't see a point anymore.  
  
"You have a beautiful soul Abby, it hurts me to see you destroy it like this" he finally breaks the ackward silence between us.  
  
"Luka, please stop gracing me with your love" I look at him sadly. "I'll only end up hurting you, and I don't wish to do that to such a wonderful man"  
  
"Abby, please listen to me" he begs as he takes hold of my hands. "You are such a beautiful person, you are very special to me. My heart sank when I saw you lying in the trauma room after your overdose, I thought I was going to lose you. If I could take your pain away I would, I want you to be happy"  
  
"Luka........."  
  
"I never stopped loving you, never. You meant everything to me, and you still do. I want to look after you, protect you, love you. It hurt me everytime you ran to John for emotional support, I always felt as if there were three people in the relationship, not two"  
  
"I wanted to come to you, but you always put up a barrier" I tell him how I truly felt for the first time ever. "You always shut me out, put a barrier around yourself when I tried to get you to open up about your wife, the mugging, the bishop. So I gave up, I went elsewhere for support"  
  
"He doesn't love you though" he replies bitterly, running a hand though his thick, dark hair.  
  
"I know he doesn't" I reply sadly, hoping Luka didn't hear the disappointment in my voice.  
  
"Did I ever make you happy Abby? You always seemed miserable, I only wanted the best for you"  
  
I think hard about the question he just asked me. There were times when he did make me happy, times when we acted like ordinary couples, laughing, joking, cuddling....... But around John I always felt happier, I felt as though I belonged with me instead of Luka.  
  
"Did you ever love me?"  
  
"Yes I did" I answer quickly, not sure if that is the truth or if I'm simply telling Luka what I think he wants to hear. I look into his dark eyes as he leans forward and kisses me gently, running his tongue over my lips. He pulls back as I look at him in surprise and shock. It was there and then that I realise the truth, I did love Luka, but I wasn't in love with him. "I'm sorry" I apologise as I grav my coat and handbag, making a quick dash to the front door of the appartment. "I'm sorry Luka" With those last words I walk back out into the pouring rain, never looking back once. Although I loved Luka, he simply wasn't John Carter.  
  
Author's Notes: So what will Abby do now? Will she go back to Luka? What will Carter say when he finds out Abby kissed Luka? Want another chapter? Tell me, feedback is greatly appreciated!! 


	7. The Choices We Make Chapter 7

The Choices We Make  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviewed, glad you have enjoyed the story so far. So enjoy  
  
chapter 7, the final part to this fic!!  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I'm sorry.  
  
This wasn't the way it was supposed to turn out. It wasn't mean to be like this at all. I didn't mean to hurt you, you have been through enough heartache. I wish I could change things, make these feelings for John go away but I can't. I've tried, believe me I have tried. But you can't just suddenly stop loving someone, not when you have been in love with that person for as long as you can remember. Not when that person holds your heart in the palm of their hands. I could never have loved you the way you wanted me to love you. Not in the way your wife loved you. John listens to me, understands me in a way you can never. I share a bond with him that I can't ever imagine sharing with any other man. Perhaps it's because we're both addicts, shared unsettled upbringings. So as I lie here in my bedroom, I want to apologise to you. I'm sorry Luka,sorry I can't stop loving John. I can't stop and I don't wish to. That is the choice I have made.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I throw my stethoscope into my locker and shut the door as quietly as possible. It had been another terrible day, another tiring shift. I had been puked on twice, shouted at by a grumpy old man, lost six kids in a school bus crash that had been brought in, and had tried unsuccessfully to avoid Luka. Right now I was looking forward to a long soak in my bath and a tub of chocolate chip ice-cream. And perhaps a small glass of wine to help me sleep...... One glass couldn't hurt me right? Just one little glass of my favourite white wine?  
  
"Thought I would find you in here" I hear a thick accent say as the door shuts and loud footesteps enter the room.  
  
"Well it is the end of my shift" I reply, throwing my handbag onto a nearby chair as I wrap my thick jacket around my shoulders.  
  
"You've been avoiding my all day Abby"  
  
"Don't be silly Luka" I laugh nervously, trying to pretend as best as possible that I hadn't. "I've been busy today"  
  
"No, you were like this when we split up" he shakes his head, knowing full well that I'm lying to him.  
  
"That was because I broke your fish tank" I manage to smile a little, remembering the trouble John and I had trying to break into the appartment to replace it. Those were the good days, how I wished I could turn back the hands of time and return to those days.  
  
"I'm not angry at you Abby" he speaks sincerely as he takes a seat on the sofa. "I could never stay angry at you"  
  
"I'm sorry if I hurt you Luka" I reply, feeling terrible for the fact I broke such a kind man's heart. Even after all the grief and pain I caused him, he still couldn't bring himself to hate me. It makes me hate myself even more. "You're such a wonderful man, you deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I never set out to hurt you though, please believe that"  
  
"You don't have to apologise for anything" he chuckles slightly, never taking his eyes off the floor below us. "I can't make you love me, I see that now. And I see that I would never be able to make you happy, at least not in the way he can"  
  
"Who?" I ask, watching him adjust the position of his stethoscope.  
  
"John"  
  
"It doesn't matter anymore" I shake my head and sigh loudly. "John doesn't want me, it's too late now"  
  
"It's never too late Abby" he finally looks at me in the eye. "The truth is right in front you, yet you don't seem to realise it's there. Find him, tell him how you feel, live your life with the person you want to be with. Be happy in life"  
  
I stand up and walk slowly out of the room. I had to give it one last try, I owed it to Luka, and most of all I owed it to myself. With every step I took through the ER, I heard his words echo through my mind. It's never too late.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
The automatic door opened as I walked towards them. Sprinting down the steps I stopped as I reached the bottom one, stopped as I caught sight of them. Them, John and Susan. I watched them embrace each other, and at that moment I realised the truth, the truth that was right in front of me. They were happy together, it would be cruel of me to ruin that happiness. Be happy in life. John was happy with Susan. I love him, I want him to be happy, if that happiness lies with Dr Lewis I can't possibly spoil it for him, not if I love him. My heart sinks as I continue to watch them hold one another. I had missed my chance to live my life with the man I wanted to be with, it was too late. It's never too late. Oh but it is, it's far too late.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
I pushed the plate of chocolate cake far away from me, why I ordered it I don't have a clue. My mind feels numb with exhaustion, exhaustion, confusion and heartache. Silly of me to think that a slice of chocolate cake could help ease the pain, only a bottle of vodka can do that. And that is me talking from experience. I glance up as I hear the creaking sound of the restaurant's door open, but I glance away again when I realise 'he' has entered. I look out the window, pretending I can see something more interesting out there than the tiny raindrops trickling down the glass, praying he hasn't seen me yet.  
  
"Abby" John calls out my name loudly. Damn, I've been spotted. I'll talk for a couple of minutes, excuse myself by pretending to have a migraine. I know it's rude but I can't face him, not yet anyway.  
  
"You going to eat that?" he asks, motioning to the piece of cake I pushed to the opposite end of the table.  
  
"Be my guest" I smile as he sits down and seizes the cake.  
  
"Thanks, I'm absolutely starving" I manage to make out his words as he noisely eats the snack.  
  
"Were you never taught table manners as a child?" I laugh heartilly, referring to the fact he was eating with his mouth open.  
  
"Oh, sorry mom" he jokes, wiping away the small amount of chocolate crumbs around his chin. I laugh merrily, remembering why I fell in love with him in the first place. His charm, his charisma, his warm personality.........he was wonderful. Truly wonderful.  
  
"I need to tell you something Abby" he sounds rather serious as he pushes away the plate.  
  
"Oh.........." I reply nervously. I fall silent for a brief minute as he carefully studies me from his position directly opposite me. "Okay then"  
  
"I broke up with Susan just there" He broke up with Susan? Why? How? Why is he telling me this? Question upon question races through my mind as he continues to study me, waiting for my reply, waiting to hear what I have to say.  
  
"Oh" was all I could manage to say. It would probably have been better to have just kept my mouth shut instead of my pathetic response. Why don't I think before I speak?  
  
"Is that all you can say?" he sounds surprised.  
  
"What do you want me to say John, I don't know why you are telling me all this"  
  
"That's just what I was about to come to........" Was he saying what I think he was saying?  
  
"I never really loved Susan" he begins, my hands terembling with every word he speaks. "I do love her, but it's the sort of love you would have for a brother or sister" Just like the love I hold for Luka. "I thought I could make myself fall in love with her, but I've now realised I can't."  
  
"Why not?" I croak, taking a sip of coffee to wet my dry throat.  
  
"Because I'm in love with you"  
  
I gasp at his words, raising my hand to my mouth in shock. I couldn't belive what he had just said to me, did he really love me? I blink rapidly to make sure I wasn't dreaming, to make sure I was awake and this moment was for real.  
  
"Abby, are you okay?" he asks, taking my hand and squeezing it tightly.  
  
"I'm...I'm fine" I smile happily as his words finally begin to sink in.  
  
"I've always loved you Abby, I couldn't imagine never loving you. When you broke up with Luka, I didn't think you really wanted to be with me, I was mearly a substitute for him. That's why I said no, because I didn't want to feel the pain of never being truly loved by you. I didn't want to date you only to realise it wasn't me you wanted but him"  
  
"I've always wanted you John" I reply, squeezing back the tears for the twentieth time that day. "The love you hold for Susan is like the love I hold for Luka. It's always been you I've wanted, nobody else"  
  
"So why didn't you tell me this by the river, on the day I confessed my feelings?" he asks rather angrily.  
  
"I didn't want to hurt Luka" I answer his question honestly. And that was the truth, Luka had been so kind towards me that I couldn't face breaking his heart. "He's been through so much what with losing his wife and children that I didn't want to be the one who caused him anymore pain" I look up at John for a moment, noticing the small tears that are sliding down his cheeks. He look so vunerable, like a young child. "So where do we go from here?" I ask, breaking the ackward silence. He wipes away the tears with his free hand and cups my cheek tenderly.  
  
"I'll tell you where we go" he laughs, reaching over and kissing me lightly on the lips. And for the first time in a long time, my world suddenly stopped spinning............  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Author's Notes: Well that was the last chapter in 'The Choices We Make' An interesting point is that this fic was actually only meant to be the one chapter. Originally I planned to write one long chapter and leave it where Abby reaches for the pills. I thought it would be a bit cruel to the readers to just leave it there, so I added another chapter, then another, then another, and it grew to a seven chapter fic!! But I hope you'e all enjoyed reading this, feedback is very welcome, and tell me if you want a sequel or not, or if you have any other ideas for a storyline you wish to see tackled. Until next time, see ya!! 


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